I know it's way past Tuesday but here's an update

I know it's not Tuesday and that I update on Tuesday, but this week has been CHAOS so this is literally the only time I've had with my laptop.

So, the main thing this week was our first meeting with our OB, Dr. Henslee. I really do like him. I also know that is important. He immediately addressed my questions and got down to business. OB business, BTW, is not fun business. No one like to be naked from the waist down with their legs in the stirrups. The next six months of this is not something I nor my husband is looking forward to.

First question on the agenda, my girdles. With all of the extra skin I have lagging around, I've been wearing girdles, the kind with metal boning. Johnathan, my sweet husband, insists I don't need to wear them because I beautiful but I NEED them to feel less disgusting. I know it's vain but we discussed this last week, self image is important to me. Anyways, he said I can wear them as long as I can stand them. I've been having some rib pain and that is likely the culprit in this case. So case closed on this mystery. I'm going to wear them until they hurt.... which started Thursday night. Here's my official decision. I will continue to wear them to work or church or special occasions and that is it. Thursday night during class, I was hurting pretty badly. I was so thankful we got out a little early. So, if you see me at WalMart and I'm not looking as svelte as someone who went from a size 28 to a size 12, let's not make a big deal out of it. I know you are saying to yourself "I wouldn't dare!" But you'd be surprised how much I hear "You look like you aren't feeling well." "Your face is a little puffy." "How much weight have you gained?" The answer to that question, BTW, is -2 and is the RUDEST question you could EVER ask ANYONE much less a pregnant girl.

Second question, C-Section or Natural Birth..... He, of course, asked me why on earth I would ask that question. So, let me just back up a little. 5 years and 4 months ago when we decided it was time to start trying, we met with a doctor. This doctor of course put me in the stirrups and got a good look and then stated, "I'm glad I'm not delivering you. Never in a MILLION years would allow you to have a baby naturally. C-Section city for you." This has been burned into my brain for the last five years. Dr. Reshef, which you all know his opinion I HIGHLY value, stated that he didn't see a problem but wouldn't be delivering me and that would be his or her decision. Not much comfort there. Then, of course, we had the bariatric surgeon who said with the cuts into the stomach, that my stomach muscles may or may not be strong enough for the intense pushing that labor requires. I poured the poor man with all of these stories who simply smiled and said let's take a look. So, back into the stirrups I go. I should be use to this because it's been my life for the last 5.4 years. So, he emerged, smiled and said "I don't see any problems. Unless your surgery messed with your uterus which is highly unlikely, we can do this naturally." I honestly felt like the last five years had been a lie. While he couldn't guarantee that a C-Section is off the table, he is optimistic. He ordered a lab and had me set an appointment for a month from Monday which is February 16th. Next ultrasound will be around 20 weeks at which time we will find out if we are having a Princess or a Deere.

So, where does that me? This week I've been feeling scared. Scared is the word. I've never had to face the fear of what is coming with labor because I've always been led to believe that I would have a C-Section. I will be honest. I've never been more scared of ANYTHING in my life. I know women have babies every day and survive. It's not that. I know I will survive the labor but I'm still scared. I'm scared I'm going to be one of those screaming, raving, lunatics in the labor room. I'm scared I'm going to give up half way through. I'm scared I won't be able to take it. I know these are normal feelings and I have six months to mentally and physically prepare but suddenly, that's not enough time.

I'm also scared about the logistics that a new baby brings. Childcare. What are we going to do? How are we going to do it. Daycare or family? How much is a good deal for what you pay? Have you read the news lately? Babysitters putting bruises on babies and daycare fraud. IT IS FREAKING ME OUT!

Next level of anxiety. Am I going to be good at this? We've been running and going and doing what we want for the last almost six years. We sleep when we want. Eat when we want. Go when we want. Buy when we want. I'm worried I won't be a good mother because I've been able to focus on myself and Johnathan for the last six years. The books all say this a normal anxiety but honestly, sometimes, this worry keeps me awake at night. I've wanted it for sooooo long. I've wanted this baby for soooo long and now I'm scared that I won't be good to this baby or deserve this baby.

The biggest anxiety issue that I have now comes from every little things that I feel. I've Googled "What does a miscarriage feel like" so many times that Gooogle recognizes what I'm going to type before I type it. Every little quick or ache or pain and I run right to Google. Last night, I had some extreme toe cramps. It's normal for pregnant women to have leg and foot cramps. But, no joke, I run to Google for every little ache. It freaks me out. I am so on edge about a miscarriage that I'm literally counting down the hours to 12 weeks (which will be Monday) and then again to 16 weeks. Again, I've wanted this so badly that I'm so afraid of losing this baby. I know this is normal and I know my change for miscarriage dramactically changed when I saw and then heard Poppyseed's heartbeat, but it doesn't relieve my fears.

You know what helps? Rubbing my belly. No, I'm not showing but just knowing that there is a little poppyseed growing in there makes me smile and makes my fear melt away for a few minutes. Shopping for the baby. We've bought several onesies and diapers and a co-sleeper for the camper. Only six months and this baby will be here and I can kiss the little face and tickle the toes. I also talk to the baby. I know the baby can't hear and that I may or may not look crazy doing it, but I LOVE this baby. I want this baby to know how much I love this baby. That's why we email the baby once a week. You can email the baby too by the way. The email is muller.popppyseed@gmail.com

Probably my favorite thing, is watching Johnathan. He is so excited. People tell me all the time that he shows off the videos and pictures to everyone who will sit still. He is involved in this pregnancy just as much as I am. He may not be the one growing the baby, but he is just as involved as I am. He shops around for stuff too. He talks to the baby and rubs my belly. I am one blessed woman to have a life-partner and husband like he is. He is supportive and loves the both us so much. He sits up with me at night when I can't sleep and assures me that I'm going to be a good mother and that God will provide for all three of us. He always has and always will. This is why I'm blessed because I have a God-fearing Christian husband who loves me and this baby so much that he masks his own fears for mine.

So, for your update on Poppyseed. We are officially 11 weeks. He or she is the size of a lime. I even went to the limes at WalMart and picked one up and almost bought it to just hold for a while. Poppyseed is looking more like a baby even though the skin is see through. Fingers and toes aren't webbed and we have hair follicles and nail beds that are forming. Poppyseed is growing and looking pretty good!

The Bump (.com) tells me now is the time to plan a babymoon and that I've been trying to do. I'm working with family members who won't make up their mind on what they want to do. We are looking at May because it will be warm but not too warm or cold. We are thinking St. Louis for a family trip. However, if those members of the family don't make up their mind soon, we are going to make our plans that may or may not involve a passport. I found a wonderful cruise that starts in Venice and goes through the Greek Isles. It's a great deal (less than $800 a person); however, the flights are close to $3K. So, unless someone knows a great deal on flights to and from Italy, that's out. But, I also found a great resort in Mexico. So, we are definitely looking to take a good babymoon.

So, I know I've gone off on a few tangents. I've got ALOT on my mind. So I'm asking for prayers of just peace so that I can enjoy this pregnancy whole heartedly. Please don't misunderstand I am blissfully happy which just means that I have more to lose. And continue to pray that Poppyseed continues to grow and stay healthy.