Not the news I wanted...but Keeping my head up

I knew yesterday was going to end up a bad day.......

My first alarm went off at 5:30 a.m. Johnathan rolls over and says to me, "What time do we have to leave?" I said 7:30 and went back to sleep. The next thing I know Johnathan is gently waking me up and saying, "Babe. It's 7:30. It's time to get up." I jump up and calmly explain (yeah, right) that we should be getting in the car! We rush around and are finally in the car at 7:55 a.m. My appointment is at 10:30 a.m. It usually only takes about 2 1/2 hours to get to Integris Baptist in OKC, but you never know if you will be delayed because of car accidents, construction or traffic. Because of the rain, we only had problems with the first.

We made it on time. We got there, checked in, paid, and waited for Beverly to call my name. Dr. Reshef is on holiday. I'm okay with that. He deserves it. I'm kind of wondering; however, if Beverly ever gets a holiday... Anyways, Beverly takes me back to the table....

Good news!: I have lost 5% of my total body weight and 1 1/2 inches! I have really been working hard on my weight watchers: counting the points and 4 days of the gym. 2 are water aerobics days (because it's cardio AND strength traning) and then 2 days of treadmill and elipitical (a.k.a the Devil Machine). I really really want this and again, this is not killing me only making me feel and look better and ultimately helping become healthier. Also, the lining on my uterus is at a completely normal level for the day of the cycle I was on! Which is GREAT news!

Now on to the bad news..... A follicle test is an extremely uncomfortable ultrasound. I could literally feel her searching for my ovaries. She found my right ovary, no problem; however, she did not find a dominating follicle. A dominating follicle is necessary to produce ovulation. So in lay terms, I am not going to ovulate out of my right ovary any time soon. Then, the search was on for the left ovary. Did you know that your ovaries can move around. I did not. I thought everything had a perfect place in the body. Boy, was I wrong, because Beverly had the hardest time finding that sucker and it hurt. I could feel the ultrasound stick (not sure if that is the right term, but I don't care), literally hitting my uterus! Anyways, she never really was 100% on finding the left ovary which left her nothing but to assume I wouldn't ovulate out of it either. She offered to go and get Dr. Reshef's partner, Dr. Kallenburger, but I declined for two reasons: #1: I was ready to get out of those stirrups. #2: If Beverly was wrong (highly doubtful) then I would ovulate and possible become pregnant.

Beverly sat down and told me to go ahead and continue to temperature chart. This was just Day #17 and I could ovulate as late as day #26. If  I did ovulate next week, the follicles wouldn't be ready just yet and she couldn't tell by the ultrasound. If I still did not ovulate I have three options: #1: the fertility shots which are expensive so I doubt we are going to go with that. #2: Laparoscopic Ovarian Surgery also known as the Whiffle Ball procedure. It is where they burn (scary word, I know) small holes into the male hormone producing part of my ovary to help induce ovulation. There are several drawbacks to this. A. I don't know for sure about insurance coverage on this procedure and it will be for sure after the new year when this is done...so hello deductable. B. It will take 3 or 4 days (according to the internet) of recovery time. C. I am sure this is painful. D. It can produce multi-ovualtory reactions meaning multiple births. I am okay with twins and possibly triplets, but not sure about any more. Plus Beverly said that if it produces too many eggs, they will just cancel the cycle. However, the success rates for this is 70%. I can't dismiss a sucess rate of 70%..... And finally #3: Take a few months off and continue with weight loss and excercise, but obviously it works part of the time. After the few months, we will continue with Clomid medication (because I love the mood swings and hot flashes).

Beverly could tell that I was getting discouraged and on the verge of tears. This is so very hard. There is nothing in the world that I want more than to have a baby and to give my husband the best possible gift in the world: to be a daddy. And he is going to be so very good at it. You should see him with the kids at church: He is wonderful. Anyways, as I was chocking back the tears, trying to be strong, Beverly told me to not get discouraged. She said that discouragement will just lead me astray on this 5% weight loss endeavor.  She assured me that it will happen and that I am still young. I am only 26 and have plenty of "child bearing" years ahead of me. She always hugs me and tells me she is proud of me. She is an amazing woman. She helped keep my spirits up. She wished me a Merry Christmas and made me promise not to get discouraged.

I'm not going to lie. I am a little discouraged. Every time I go for an ultrasound, I pray that I've misread something and there is a tiny baby on the ultrasound screen. This really hurts. What makes it worse is the kids at church who don't have parents who want them or the people in the news who are harming their children. I want it so badly that i become angry at those people because they do not cherish this precious gift that God gives to them.

As I promised I would not be discouraged, I went to water aerobics last night and I am planning on returning tonight for what Melissa calls "Water Aerobics Boot Camp." I also found these verses to help me get over it. I have to keep in mind that this is God's time and not my own. He is the one that is going to make this work, not Beverly or Dr. Reshef or the medicine or procedures or even myself. It is the Almighty in whom my heart belongs!

 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6 

 

 "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17

 

 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

 

These are promises to me to that I am not in this alone. God is with me every step of the way and He is going to take care of me.

 

So, for now, I am going to do what Beverly said: stay motivated, keep temperature charting, keep exercising and weight watchers, keep encouraged. In order to do so, I need your constant prayers.

 

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. And to suggest that before you open gifts, sit down with your family and family Bible, turn to Luke 2 and really focus on the true meaning of Christmas and that is the greatest gift we have ever recieved: Christ.

 

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas

Love,

Mr. and Mrs. Johnathan Muller

Moments with the Mullers: Note to self: Days starting at 2:30 a.m. do not al...

Moments with the Mullers: Note to self: Days starting at 2:30 a.m. do not al...: My day started at 2:30 a.m. Probably from stress and worry about the doctor's appointment, I woke up with a stomach ache at 2:30 a.m. I hate...

Note to self: Days starting at 2:30 a.m. do not always end badly

My day started at 2:30 a.m. Probably from stress and worry about the doctor's appointment, I woke up with a stomach ache at 2:30 a.m. I hate waking up like that. I've come to learn, however; that is the most perfect time to commune with God. After all He is the great Comforter right? Finally after begging forgiveness for all of my sins, pleading with God for good news, and praising God for just about anything I could think of at 2:30 a.m., I was able to return to sleep at 3:30 a.m.

The alarm clock went off at 5:30 a.m., I pleaded with Johnathan to go ahead and shower so that I could have 10 more minutes. :) I can't help it: I'm not a morning person. We officially hit the road at 6:30 a.m. I am so very blessed to have a husband that drives me everywhere and allows me to sleep. True, he understood I am exhausted, but so is he at time. Johnathan Paul Muller is the very best husband a girl could ever ask for. When I dreamed of prince charming when I was little, he didn't come near Johnathan Muller. I love him so very much and he truly is a gift from God.

Now, on the news everyone is on the edge of his or her seat for....No, I am not pregnant. :) But YES! I did ovulate! ON MY OWN! NO CLOMID!!! It is truly a miracle! Alsooooooo, remember when I was whining and fretting about the surgery to remove my lining! I was at a 26 which is 5 times the normal lining! Today I was at a 6! 6! One point above normal and my cycle is still going!!!! Another miracle!!! Want another miracle?!?! I am at the smallest weight of my whole time with Dr. Reshef! I even lost 1.2 pounds since Sunday!! It has been a miraculous day!!! Dr. Reshef could not have praised me more for all of my weight loss and excercise efforts! It's not me that's doing it, but God that is pulling me through this very difficult patch in my life!

The next question is well then what next? What is next is I start another round of Clomid tonight. It is the dose I was supposed to take back in October that I was too scared to take. I am going to continue to temperature chart and ovulation test. I have to go back on December 19 for an ultrasound of my follicles. I am also going to continue the Weight Watchers and water aerobics and treadmill. Most importantly, I am going to continue to praise God for all of the wonderful things tonight.

Here are just a few:

"O my strength, I will sing praises to You; for God is my stronghold, the God who shows me lovingkindness" Psalm 59:17 -- Thank you God for being my strength not only today, but for everyday in every way and situation! Thank you for your love and kindness and grace. You are an amazing God!

"I will praise the name of God with song and magnify Him with thanksgiving" -- Thank you God for an amazing husband, family, church family, coworkers, friends, nurse and physician. These people are truly blessings to me and my family!

"But as for me, I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more" Psalms 74:14 -- I will hope continually, because that is all there is to do. Hope and You, O God have given me such an abudance of hope.

"O sing to the LORD a new song, for He has done wonderful things, His right hand and His holy arm have gained the victory for Him" Psalms 98:1 -- Thank you God for the wonderful things you have done for me today. Remind me of this new song that you have given me today.

If you get one thing from this blog, I hope you get the praise and exaltation that I have for God and I hope you can see Him working through me even through these trials! I hope you can see Him working through me and hope you can see His love and mercy that is for you as well.

We still need encouragement as I am about to go and take the Clomid and we all know it doesn't make me nicer :). We need prayer as well.

Thank you all so very much for all your love and support and know that your love is returned sevenfold!

God Bless!