Not the news I wanted...but Keeping my head up

I knew yesterday was going to end up a bad day.......

My first alarm went off at 5:30 a.m. Johnathan rolls over and says to me, "What time do we have to leave?" I said 7:30 and went back to sleep. The next thing I know Johnathan is gently waking me up and saying, "Babe. It's 7:30. It's time to get up." I jump up and calmly explain (yeah, right) that we should be getting in the car! We rush around and are finally in the car at 7:55 a.m. My appointment is at 10:30 a.m. It usually only takes about 2 1/2 hours to get to Integris Baptist in OKC, but you never know if you will be delayed because of car accidents, construction or traffic. Because of the rain, we only had problems with the first.

We made it on time. We got there, checked in, paid, and waited for Beverly to call my name. Dr. Reshef is on holiday. I'm okay with that. He deserves it. I'm kind of wondering; however, if Beverly ever gets a holiday... Anyways, Beverly takes me back to the table....

Good news!: I have lost 5% of my total body weight and 1 1/2 inches! I have really been working hard on my weight watchers: counting the points and 4 days of the gym. 2 are water aerobics days (because it's cardio AND strength traning) and then 2 days of treadmill and elipitical (a.k.a the Devil Machine). I really really want this and again, this is not killing me only making me feel and look better and ultimately helping become healthier. Also, the lining on my uterus is at a completely normal level for the day of the cycle I was on! Which is GREAT news!

Now on to the bad news..... A follicle test is an extremely uncomfortable ultrasound. I could literally feel her searching for my ovaries. She found my right ovary, no problem; however, she did not find a dominating follicle. A dominating follicle is necessary to produce ovulation. So in lay terms, I am not going to ovulate out of my right ovary any time soon. Then, the search was on for the left ovary. Did you know that your ovaries can move around. I did not. I thought everything had a perfect place in the body. Boy, was I wrong, because Beverly had the hardest time finding that sucker and it hurt. I could feel the ultrasound stick (not sure if that is the right term, but I don't care), literally hitting my uterus! Anyways, she never really was 100% on finding the left ovary which left her nothing but to assume I wouldn't ovulate out of it either. She offered to go and get Dr. Reshef's partner, Dr. Kallenburger, but I declined for two reasons: #1: I was ready to get out of those stirrups. #2: If Beverly was wrong (highly doubtful) then I would ovulate and possible become pregnant.

Beverly sat down and told me to go ahead and continue to temperature chart. This was just Day #17 and I could ovulate as late as day #26. If  I did ovulate next week, the follicles wouldn't be ready just yet and she couldn't tell by the ultrasound. If I still did not ovulate I have three options: #1: the fertility shots which are expensive so I doubt we are going to go with that. #2: Laparoscopic Ovarian Surgery also known as the Whiffle Ball procedure. It is where they burn (scary word, I know) small holes into the male hormone producing part of my ovary to help induce ovulation. There are several drawbacks to this. A. I don't know for sure about insurance coverage on this procedure and it will be for sure after the new year when this is done...so hello deductable. B. It will take 3 or 4 days (according to the internet) of recovery time. C. I am sure this is painful. D. It can produce multi-ovualtory reactions meaning multiple births. I am okay with twins and possibly triplets, but not sure about any more. Plus Beverly said that if it produces too many eggs, they will just cancel the cycle. However, the success rates for this is 70%. I can't dismiss a sucess rate of 70%..... And finally #3: Take a few months off and continue with weight loss and excercise, but obviously it works part of the time. After the few months, we will continue with Clomid medication (because I love the mood swings and hot flashes).

Beverly could tell that I was getting discouraged and on the verge of tears. This is so very hard. There is nothing in the world that I want more than to have a baby and to give my husband the best possible gift in the world: to be a daddy. And he is going to be so very good at it. You should see him with the kids at church: He is wonderful. Anyways, as I was chocking back the tears, trying to be strong, Beverly told me to not get discouraged. She said that discouragement will just lead me astray on this 5% weight loss endeavor.  She assured me that it will happen and that I am still young. I am only 26 and have plenty of "child bearing" years ahead of me. She always hugs me and tells me she is proud of me. She is an amazing woman. She helped keep my spirits up. She wished me a Merry Christmas and made me promise not to get discouraged.

I'm not going to lie. I am a little discouraged. Every time I go for an ultrasound, I pray that I've misread something and there is a tiny baby on the ultrasound screen. This really hurts. What makes it worse is the kids at church who don't have parents who want them or the people in the news who are harming their children. I want it so badly that i become angry at those people because they do not cherish this precious gift that God gives to them.

As I promised I would not be discouraged, I went to water aerobics last night and I am planning on returning tonight for what Melissa calls "Water Aerobics Boot Camp." I also found these verses to help me get over it. I have to keep in mind that this is God's time and not my own. He is the one that is going to make this work, not Beverly or Dr. Reshef or the medicine or procedures or even myself. It is the Almighty in whom my heart belongs!

 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6 

 

 "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17

 

 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

 

These are promises to me to that I am not in this alone. God is with me every step of the way and He is going to take care of me.

 

So, for now, I am going to do what Beverly said: stay motivated, keep temperature charting, keep exercising and weight watchers, keep encouraged. In order to do so, I need your constant prayers.

 

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. And to suggest that before you open gifts, sit down with your family and family Bible, turn to Luke 2 and really focus on the true meaning of Christmas and that is the greatest gift we have ever recieved: Christ.

 

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas

Love,

Mr. and Mrs. Johnathan Muller

Moments with the Mullers: Note to self: Days starting at 2:30 a.m. do not al...

Moments with the Mullers: Note to self: Days starting at 2:30 a.m. do not al...: My day started at 2:30 a.m. Probably from stress and worry about the doctor's appointment, I woke up with a stomach ache at 2:30 a.m. I hate...

Note to self: Days starting at 2:30 a.m. do not always end badly

My day started at 2:30 a.m. Probably from stress and worry about the doctor's appointment, I woke up with a stomach ache at 2:30 a.m. I hate waking up like that. I've come to learn, however; that is the most perfect time to commune with God. After all He is the great Comforter right? Finally after begging forgiveness for all of my sins, pleading with God for good news, and praising God for just about anything I could think of at 2:30 a.m., I was able to return to sleep at 3:30 a.m.

The alarm clock went off at 5:30 a.m., I pleaded with Johnathan to go ahead and shower so that I could have 10 more minutes. :) I can't help it: I'm not a morning person. We officially hit the road at 6:30 a.m. I am so very blessed to have a husband that drives me everywhere and allows me to sleep. True, he understood I am exhausted, but so is he at time. Johnathan Paul Muller is the very best husband a girl could ever ask for. When I dreamed of prince charming when I was little, he didn't come near Johnathan Muller. I love him so very much and he truly is a gift from God.

Now, on the news everyone is on the edge of his or her seat for....No, I am not pregnant. :) But YES! I did ovulate! ON MY OWN! NO CLOMID!!! It is truly a miracle! Alsooooooo, remember when I was whining and fretting about the surgery to remove my lining! I was at a 26 which is 5 times the normal lining! Today I was at a 6! 6! One point above normal and my cycle is still going!!!! Another miracle!!! Want another miracle?!?! I am at the smallest weight of my whole time with Dr. Reshef! I even lost 1.2 pounds since Sunday!! It has been a miraculous day!!! Dr. Reshef could not have praised me more for all of my weight loss and excercise efforts! It's not me that's doing it, but God that is pulling me through this very difficult patch in my life!

The next question is well then what next? What is next is I start another round of Clomid tonight. It is the dose I was supposed to take back in October that I was too scared to take. I am going to continue to temperature chart and ovulation test. I have to go back on December 19 for an ultrasound of my follicles. I am also going to continue the Weight Watchers and water aerobics and treadmill. Most importantly, I am going to continue to praise God for all of the wonderful things tonight.

Here are just a few:

"O my strength, I will sing praises to You; for God is my stronghold, the God who shows me lovingkindness" Psalm 59:17 -- Thank you God for being my strength not only today, but for everyday in every way and situation! Thank you for your love and kindness and grace. You are an amazing God!

"I will praise the name of God with song and magnify Him with thanksgiving" -- Thank you God for an amazing husband, family, church family, coworkers, friends, nurse and physician. These people are truly blessings to me and my family!

"But as for me, I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more" Psalms 74:14 -- I will hope continually, because that is all there is to do. Hope and You, O God have given me such an abudance of hope.

"O sing to the LORD a new song, for He has done wonderful things, His right hand and His holy arm have gained the victory for Him" Psalms 98:1 -- Thank you God for the wonderful things you have done for me today. Remind me of this new song that you have given me today.

If you get one thing from this blog, I hope you get the praise and exaltation that I have for God and I hope you can see Him working through me even through these trials! I hope you can see Him working through me and hope you can see His love and mercy that is for you as well.

We still need encouragement as I am about to go and take the Clomid and we all know it doesn't make me nicer :). We need prayer as well.

Thank you all so very much for all your love and support and know that your love is returned sevenfold!

God Bless!

Mission NOT Impossible!

After last blog's boo hoo session (which I'm not going to promise is the last), I really got some inspiration and drive. So today, I started back on weight watchers! After saving up mega points to go out to eat at an Italian restaurant with Johnathan and his family, I still have three points left over! I'm pretty excited for myself.

I know that I said that Johnathan and I were going to go to the gym at 5:30 a.m., but when that alarm when off I just couldn't get up. No worries! We made back from Atoka in time to make it to the gym for a work out. I walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes, did a half mile around the track (running one of those laps), and 2 minutes on the elliptical. Two minutes on that machine (that I'm sure was fashioned in hell) is all that I can handle! lol! I even walked with some 2lbs weights. My arms around my elbows are KILLING me!!! LOL! But I feel great! I took 2 Ibuprofen to help me feel not so sore in the morning, but right now I feel great.

I feel like I can do this! I can get in shape and lose 10% of my weight to ovulate! I'm going to keep this up for a month to make sure I don't cycle and then take the Clomid and pray pray pray pray that it works. I can do this. It's not mission impossible!

While we are working on shaping up our physical bodies, we are also working on shaping up our spiritual bodies. Every morning, Johnathan and I have been doing a Bible study together. We believe it is important as a married couple to go to God together in the mornings. It is also helping our marriage grow!

This morning our devotional spoke to me specifically. The book is 365 Devotions put together by Gary Allen. The Title this morning was Learning to Trust God's Timing. Scripture was Psalm 90:1-12. He says, "I've learned that waiting is a part of life, especially in my walk with God. I have to remind myself often that God does not work according to my schedule. Nor does He count the days the way I do. What seems like a long period of time for me is merely perfect timing with God."  I need to remind myself of this daily. Though I may be counting every 30 days (a cycle) God's not counting like I am; He has His own perfect timetable that is perfect for my time and a time to bless me with a baby.

So tomorrow it starts all over. Weight Watchers and gym. I mean it's not killing me, and in the long run, with make me healthier!

So, for now, I am going to pray that I'm not so sore in the morning (lol) and pray that God helps me keep my faith in check!

Thank you all for support. Nothing means more to me than prayers, kind words, and support!

Love you all!

Just to calm everybody's fears......

So, on November 2nd I had decided to play the whole "Name something that you're thankful for for each day until Thanksgiving." I missed day one. So on Day #2 I posted, "I'm late, but it's whatev's."  Unbeknownst to me, this caused a sense of mass confusion and  I received a flurry of text messages, facebook messages and phone calls asking if I had any news I would like to share. So, let me clear....I am not pregnant.

To be honest, the medicine I filled back in September is staring at me in face right now. It's on our speaker where it has sat since the prescription has been filled.

I am scared. I'm not too proud to admit it. I am terrified that it will not work. I want this so badly that I don't want to screw this up. I used to think I was so strong. That I could handle anything. Boy, was I wrong. This is extremely hard. It is so hard to look at those pills and be too afraid to take them. I can't explain it and I pray that none of you have to feel this.

Yesterday, I thought I had started my cycle, but it was cruel joke that my body played on me. Hence the reason why I'm blogging. It is so very hard to be able to talk about it with any one. Even Johnathan. I usually end up bawling and getting out some unrecognizable words. With writing this blog, I can get it all it and feel like a ton of weight is lifted off of my shoulders.

I have some decisions to make. I mean, we (Johnathan and I) have some decisions to make.
#1. We have to start exercising. I say we because I need someone  to be there with me to motivate me and to tell me I doing good. I want to join the gym, but I am soooo embarrassed because I had been a member of the Wellness Center and we gave that up. I am not a quitter, but I feel like it now. I also worry that people are watching me and judging. I know I shouldn't worry about what people think, but I do. I can't help.
#2. We need to eat better. Again, I say we because there's no way I can enjoy a salad while Johnathan eats a hamburger and fries. This is going to be a tough one because of Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I have to do this right???? Not just for me to get pregnant but for me to stay healthy for when I do and to stay healthy for my future children.
#3. I have to take to those pills. Even if it's just to get it over with.
#4. We have to decide our next step after the pills.

This is so hard and I really do need some help. I need prayers and some good sage advice. I need encouragement. I need strength. I know most of my strength comes from God and I do believe he provides me with strength but there are some days when i can barely make it through the day. So please send me your encouragements, prayers, advice, or anything. You can text me or message me or whatever.

For right now, I am dwelling on Psalm 121:

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.
 ³ He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.
 ⁵ The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.
 ⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore. "

Again, I thank you all so much for even taking the time to read this and in advance for your prayers and words of encouragement.

In the meantime, I would like to wish you an advance Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

Thank you. We love you. And God Bless you all!

How do you fix a broken record?

Yes, it is time for another doctor update! I can feel your excitement...

Well since last blog, I should have started my cycle. I was prescribed Prometrium to start my cycle. This stuff usually works miracles; however, this time, it did nothing at all. So I called Beverly who told me to wait a week. Last Thursday, was that week. I called and left a message. As usual, Beverly, calls me right back. She tells me that Dr. Reshef wants me to come and let him take a look at things. I choke through setting up an appointment. I'm at work and trying my hardest not to cry. Then, the lullaby they play when a baby is born plays and I lose it. I have some great friends at work, especially, Jeri Santine and Stephanie Shepphard and let me cry it out on their shoulders. I was ready to give it up. Sometimes, this inferitlity thing is so very hard. I have a hard time and I am starting to loose sleep. I didn't tell Dr. Reshef this or Beverly. I should have though.....

Anyways, I got through work and then came home. I went to take Johnathan dinner at work and when I went to leave, my Trailblazer wouldn't start. Another 20 minute meltdown...... I am lucky to have a husband that loves me and is always there for me. It's just so hard to keep going and get the same results. Like a broken record. To make me feel better, Friday night he took me on a date night to help keep my chin up. I have to admit it worked. I felt adored and wanted and not so empty. I have one amazing husband.

So this morning, we headed up to OKC. I've been reading The Hunger Games series and I'm on the last one "Mockingjay." The book helped keep my mind off of things. I love my doctor and his nurse, but I hate these visits. I hate the ultrasounds. They are not the most comfortable and almost the whole time I am with the doctor, I am half naked. Needless to say, my mind is almost never on the subject. Today the office was really cold....I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Anyways, I got the same results....lining is still thick and no signs of ovulation. I can't even describe to you what I felt....disappointed, empty, un-womanlike, deformed, ugly... His plan is to try ONE more time; this time doing something is rarely does which is to up my does of Clomid one last time and we can try again to ovulate. If this does not work, I have three options.

Option #1: Have surgery to scrape the lining. This will also help prevent uterian cancer later on down the line; however, it may or may not help me to ovulate.

Option #2: The fertility shots. He said out of pocket, these shots can cost up to $2000 a month.

Option #3: Take some time off from fertility therapy and focus on weight loss and excercise. Beverly said as little as 30 or 40 pounds can make a difference.

I really had to work to not cry in front of them. It's really hard to stay strong in the moments like this. The only way I can stay strong is through God. So I just smiled and said I would do my best and then we left. In the car, I cried silently while Johnathan asked me what I wanted to do. The truth is I don't know. I know we can't afford the fertility shots, and I'm not too keen on surgery or extreme weight loss measures. So for now, I am just going to continue with Weight Watchers and maybe buy a treadmill and try that out and take the Clomid and PRAY that God will let me ovulate and become pregnant.

Hannah prayed for God to remember her. I pray that all the time for God to please remember me when he is giving out the gift of life every day. It's hard. I can understand how Hannah prayed so hard that Eli thought that she was drunk. But, honestly, prayer and God is really my only hope and it's the kind of hope that is promised which is that God will hear my prayers. He may not answer them as fast as I want Him to, but I know he hears them.

Well, that's all I got for now. Johnathan and I appreciate your prayers and support and we really hope that  those who are experiencing the same things are gaining the information she needs and maybe even givng you a little confidence. We may not know who all of you are, but are you are in our prayers too.

Thank you!

God bless you!

My God is so BIG so STRONG and so MIGHTY there's NOTHING my God cannot do!!!

Great news friends......I got the call today about my biopsy results.....Benign!!! No signs of any cancer or pre-cancerous cells! I started cyring! I was so happy! God is so wonderful!

Beverly, our amazing nurse, delivered the wonderful news. She said she knew all along the results would turn out this way!. She said the doctor felt like this too since the lining had already thinned by 5 mm.

So, now we are back on the plan. The let's get pregnant plan. So, I refilled my Prometrium prescription that starts my cycle and she called in Clomid since it worked before. I am back on weight watchers and pre-natal vitamins! I want to start excersing again. I want this so bad! I know what I have to do to get it. Be patient, have faith, and keep trying to stay healthy. So that's just what we are going to do.

I am going to be patient and keep in mind that this is on God's time, not mine. He knows what is best for me.

I am going to have faith. I know in the bottom of my heart God has planned for me to be a mother. I just have to have faith that God will keep His promises. And He does. He always keeps His promises. He is the one thing steady in this life that does: Always.

I am going to try my best to stay healthy. I want to cut out white breads, pastas, etc.. and potatoes and refined sugar. Sticking only to complex carbs, diary, protein and fiber. I also want  to start walking again. It's going to be hard, but worth it in the end. I also need to stay on my pre-natal vitamins!

I can't help but praise my Maker! The title of this blog entry is a children's song, but rings so true. My God is so BIG! More than you or I can imagine! My God is so STRONG and so MIGHTY! He's the strongest force in the whole entire universe! He can take care of anything and defeat anything. You can lean on Him for support for anything! There's NOTHING my God cannot do! How true is this? He created the world, parted the sea, had a 90 year old woman give birth....there is nothing my God cannot do....including giving me a baby against all the odds!

Thank you all so much for your prayers and for your support. You have no idea how much it means to Johnathan and I. We really appreciate all the support and prayers and kind words. They really have helped. Continue praying for us through this journey!

We love you all and God bless you!

Discomfort is a doctors nice way of telling you it's going to hurt

Well, good news friends, I am home from the doctor!

The biopsy went well. It did hurt, alot, but not as bad as I had anticipated. Dr. Reshef is confident that the results will come back benign. At the most he expects to find pre-cancerous cells, but finds that very unlikely. I should know the results on Thursday or at the latest Friday. I was surprised to know it would be that soon. I thought it would take weeks.

If the results come back with findings of any pre-cancerous cells, he said we have several options, but he did not want talk about them until the results come back.

If the results come back with no abnormal findings, we will simply continue the fertility treatment. Meaning, he will restart my cycle, and start fertility medicine again. He is thinking of switching my medicine from Clomid to Femarra, but other than that the methods will pretty much be the same.

I have faith everything is going to be okay, and soon I will get to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. I know it will happen. I have faith in my God.

The lining of my uterus has actually thinned out since last month, which is a very positive thing considering I didn't cycle this month! If I had cycled, a biopsy may have not been necessary. It's proof my condition is improving.

I have to say thank you to Johnathan Paul Muller. I could not have done it today without him beside me holding my hand. He is the best husband ever. He is not only my God given partner in life, he is my best friend. He is a constant in my very stressful life. Second to God, he is the best thing in my life. I love him so much. Thank you babe, for driving me, holding my hand, and letting me rest all the way home. You are amazing.

For now, I have some "discomfort," but with a little rest, I am going to be fine. I am going to take a Tylenol pm and rest the evening away so I can be good and rested for work tomorrow.

Please continue to pray for me and I will update you with the results later this week!

Love you all and God bless!

Is No news really Good news?

*SPOILER: MAY CONTAIN TMI. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*

So after a month of waiting to see if it happened again, I finally have my answer. It is possible that I did ovulate again; however very unlikely since my cycle did not start and we know for sure (3 negative pregnancy tests) that I'm not pregnant. Beverly, Dr. Reshef's AMAZING nurse, confirmed it today.

The next plan of action is to come in and have an ultrasound and to go ahead and have a biopsy. They are very concerned about the thick lining around my uterus. They are worried it is pre-cancerous. They are concerned about my health, and unless I am healthy, the possibly of a healthy pregnancy is lower. If the ultrasound shows that my lining has thinned, due to the last cycle which was 10 days, then I won't have to have a biopsy. But, if it is thick, he will do it. I am supposed to take 3 Ibuprofen before the biopsy due to some "discomfort" as she put it. So, I'm guessing there's some mild pain. Mild pain + a two and half drive = pain.  Beverly suggested that I cut down on the stress. The only reply I can come up to with that is that is "easier said than done." I'm a natural stressor...and with so much going on...it's not possible to not stress....

After he gets the results back, we can come up with a plan of action to attack this infertility issue. Beverly was fairly certain we would go back to the same plan that worked in the past. I PRAY this is what he decides.

I'm not going to lie....I'm pretty worried...I'm worried it is going to hurt,  but I'm also worried that maybe it's something major. I feel like my eggs aren't getting younger and I'm getting that much closer to 30. I want three kids and spread apart, I'm starting to worry that's not going to happen.

I am going to ask for prayer. Pray that my uterus lining is thin and it is not pre-cancerous.  Pray they find a cure for PCOS.

I wish I had some words of wisdom this time and a Bible verse. The only the thing I can think of is that some of the greatest women in the Bible experienced the same hurt and questions that I did. Sarah. Rebekah. Rachael. Hannah. Elizabeth. These are just a few. God had a promise for each one of these women and I know he has a promise for me. I just have to be patient and wait on that promise. Wait on my rainbow.

Anyways, your prayers are welcomed. Thank you all for all of your support and prayers. We appreciate every one of you and love you all so much!.

*Warning* May contain TMI for some! BUT definitely some GOOD news!!

Before I get started, this will probably contain too much information for some. I apologize. There is no way around it when you are TTC.

So, I had to chart this month and I was pretty certain I ovulated by the temperature spikes. I also started weight watchers and have lost 13.6 pounds in 4 weeks. My pants are already starting to fall off. It feels great!

Okay, so we are on the way and get slammed by a storm. You have no idea how great that rain smelled and felt!

We get there and Beverly, Dr. Reshef's AWESOME nurse immediately says that she can tell I've lost weight. I show her my weight watcher's progress reports and she asks to weigh me. Of course, it confirms the reports. She hugs me and tells me the good news I absolutely ovulated!!! Which means the medicine works! I also started my cycle on my own! ON MY OWN! No prometrium! This is defintely a step in the right direction!!! I was so excited!!! She also explained that we missed the day to "practice" by one day. :( so I'm still not pregnant BUT I did ovulate.

Dr. Reshef comes in and I just need to add how AMAZING of a physician he is! He says he is pleased by my hard work and progress. I just need to add I am more than pleased. Anyways, we get on with the ultrasound (my least favorite part of the appointment) and my uterian wall is still thick. This presents a small problem. So, he tells me that this could be a sign of pre-cancer and if it hasn't shed any by next month, he is going to have to do a biopsy and if it shows to pre-cancerous of any kind, he will do a D&C. I am a little worried...I mean the word cancer is in there and it's a bit scary.

So for now, Dr. Reshef wants us to continue with the Clomid (since it worked) and to use an ovulation predictor kit. The Clear Blue & Easy brand is the one they recommend. I also have to continue to temperature chart. He would also like for us to come in for a post coital test. If you want information on that, message me because it's kind of graphic. Also, if you've had one done, please message me. I really didn't want to do one....it sounds gross....

Anways, I am really so very happy today because most of it was good news!

God is so good. He did it...all of it.. Have you heard the song Always by Kristian Stanfill. If not you should YouTube it. It's my new favorite! The chorus goes like this:

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

This is so the truth! I am living it! Things are on his time and in the mean time you can lean on him for strength. He keeps his promises! He always comes through!! He is an AMAZING God!!!!

Also, Johnathan is a pretty amazing husband. Most guys, my dad and brother included, can barely stand words like menstration and uterus and ovaries. But, Johnathan is there for it all. He doesn't blame me and supports every decision. He asks the doctor questions and really tries to understand.

Thank you all for your prayers and continue to pray for us!

As much as a mustard seed

Today has been a pretty terrible day. I'm not going to lie about it or sugar coat it.

I woke up feeling a little nauseated, but all in all pretty excited about the trip to OKC. I love Dr. Reshef and his nurse Beverly so very much and look forward to getting their input on what to do next. I felt a little nauseated, but felt like everything was going to go okay and I would just get my prescription and start temperature charting in a few days.

Boy was i wrong. Everything was pretty normal until we saw my uterus. My lining is 14.1 mm thick (which is pretty thick) and there are blood clots in them. My ovaries are normal. Then he hit me with the hard news: my body is not responding to the medicine. It felt like a kick in the face. He concluded that we would try this last month with the highest dosage of Clomid and hope my body responds. The problem is that when my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do. (I am trying not to TMI here.) And one of the things it causes is the weight gain. His goal is to not only get me pregnant but to get me healthy and he doesn't want to treat one and let the other one go. It can lead to an unhealthy pregnancy and even miscarriage.

So I asked the million dollar question, "if it doesn't work, what is next?" He replied, "extreme weight loss measures, for now, let's try weight watchers or only eating 1500 to 1800 calories and the gym." When I asked him about extreme weight loss measures he was referring to the lap band. My heart sank. The lapband is not an option for me for various reasons, but the main one is finances. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from crying. He must have noticed, because he assured me he was not judging me and he understands it is hard, but it is possible. Dr. Reshef is amazing. However, this did not make me feel better. I chocked out that I had lost weight. He smiled and said he could tell. I felt useless and fat and ugly and that is never going to happen. My heart was ripped from my chest.

I'm pretty proud of myself, I got dressed, paid the bill, and got all the way to the car before I lost it. Johnathan who is an amazing and patient, started to tell me it was going to be okay and we would work through this. All I could think about was Casey Anthony and how she killed her daughter or the little boy at church who's dad doesn't care and his momma is in jail or any of the other "bad" parent stories. They have little ones and my arms literally ache to hold my own. I cried myself to sleep on the way home from OKC. When we got home, I decided to go on into to work. I have a great support system at MRHC from the guys in my office, to the PBX operators to administrations, I feel loved. And it helped to get my mind off of things, but it still hurts. I half way hoped that I had read the temperature chart wrong and when we looked at that ultrasound, there would be a baby. I just haven't figured out how not to get my hopes up. Any advice on that topic would be greatly appreciated.

I just want to say, I don't write a blog for people to feel sorry for me. There are plenty of girls out there who feel the same and don't know what to do about their feelings or questions to ask. Also, this is a great way for me to get things off my chest.

Now, back on topic...

I got home and found my copy of "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. If you suffer from PCOS, Infertility, Edometrius, Miscarriage, Adoption Loss or the lost of a child, this book is HIGHLY recommended. It uses the study of Hannah found in 1 Samuel. Hannah is definitely one of my heroes. I picked up the book and found the chapter "How long does it hurt" and it gave the verse, "This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat." 1 Samuel 1:7.  Year after year, Hannah still had not conceived. Her husband even married another woman and she did conceive and she was mean to Hannah. It's been 2 years since Johnathan and I started TTC. And I am confident is not go and get another wife, and even more confident that he loves me even though we haven't got pregnant yet. But I feel like Hannah. I feel useless and unfulfilled and empty. Empty is the most accurate word I can use.. I feel empty. I pray every day for a baby, but I feel like it falls on deaf ears. And then, Jennifer points out these verses, "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider, God has made one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14 and "Even in laughter the heart may ache." Proverbs 14:13 and my favorite of the day,

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13.

How long will this hurt last? I don't know. When will it happen? I don't know. I do know this, God will turn my sorrow into gladness. He is my comfort and my rock and my shield. And I may be discouraged and hurting, but I am so glad to be a part of his amazing grace.

So, my plan is to start dieting and exercising hard core again and continue my walk with God. I pray everyday that my body will be healed from PCOS and that God will bless me. After all, it only takes the faith in the amount of a mustard seed to move mountains, right?

And I ask you to pray for me. I need your prayers. Pray that God blesses me with a baby and also pray that God gives me the strength when I get bad news like today.

I thank you all for your support and for your prayers! Love you all and God Bless You.

Moments with the Mullers: One Line

Moments with the Mullers: One Line: "One Line.... That's all it took this morning. One line. If you haven't already guessed it, I took a pregnancy test this morning. Negative. ..."

One Line

One Line....

That's all it took this morning. One line. If you haven't already guessed it, I took a pregnancy test this morning. Negative. Of course. I just don't understand how one little pink line can cause sooooo much hurt.

It's been a month since I posted. I thought I would wait to see if I could share good news. No such news.

I haven't lost hope, it just seems like all that temperature taking and graphing and medicine is wasted. Not only did I not get pregnant this month, I didn't even drop an egg.

Where does that leave me do you ask? Back to square 1.

That's right, I refilled my prescripted for Prometrium to get me back to day 1. Then I have to go back to the doctor for another ultrasound which is sooo exciting (not) and an increased dose of Clomid. My husband is sooo excited. Another round of mood swings and hot flashes. Hot flashes never affected me before, but this time, I could not get cool. I had fans and the a.c. down low, but nothing worked.

But I have faith. Faith in God. Faith in myself. Faith in my husband. Faith in my doctor and his wonderful nurse. True this is torturing me today, but I am not alone. God is always with me in every step of this journey, seriously He carries me through days like today.

And even though I am hurting now, I know the promises He has in store for me, and I know in the end, the when I hold my little baby girl or boy, all of this hurt will disappear.  Again, it's crazy the joy that can be found in two little pink lines. :)

For now I dwell on this verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you. declares the LORD, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

So, family, friends, fellow cysters, just please continue to pray for me, I need them everyday, but today more than others.

It's a new day....

Hello. My name is Lucy. I am 26 and very happily married to a wonderful man, Johnathan. We began our fairy tale life February 27, 2009 at Hillcrest Baptist Church in McAlester, OK. Not long after we were married, did we decide to try to start a family. We were so excited to begin the life God had planned for us. After about ten months of only one line on pregnancy tests, we decided to see a physician.

We first went to my gynecologist, and she did a lot of tests and concluded that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). The Medical definition for this is:

"Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other problems" provided by Public Health.gov

There is no cure for this disease, and it is a real disease.

Devasted we chose to continue with treatment. Our doctor prescribed us Avandia to help with the homorone imbalance and Clomiphene to help induce ovulation so that I could get pregnant. Also, every month, I had to take several lab tests that my insurance didn't cover.

Mentally and financially exhausted, we gave up on treatment. I was heartbroken and depressed. Plus, it seemed everyone, including Johnathan's sister and one of my best friends, were all getting pregnant. It was like they were all members of a club, and I was only invited to bring gifts and provide support. Don't get me wrong I love all of the babies that were born very much and was very excited for each one of my friends. I wouldn't change a thing about them. Nevertheless, I still hurt. I was angry and confused.

Before Christmas in 2010, Johnathan and I had decided to start trying again. We made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrynologist who specializes in fertility treatment on women with PCOS. I had never been more nervous in my life. I didn't know what to expect and read mixed reviews via the internet.

In March it was time for our appointment, and even though I experienced a small meltdown when I learned my insurance wouldn't cover a dime of anything, it was wonderful. The doctor was the most caring and easy to understand and answered all my questions. I learned so many things about PCOS. Including, that one of the reasons I have a hard time losing weight is because of PCOS.

He prescribed some meds and told me to come back in a month.

Today, was the month. He had to check to make sure I didn't have any large cysts so we can continue with Fertility treatments. I didn't have any large cysts. The lining on my uterus was a little thick, but other than that everything was normal. He prescribed me fertility pills and now I have to monitor my temperature in the mornings.

Johnathan and I are so excited on this journey. We are so ready for God to bless us with a baby. I know we will be both me great parents. When people ask what God's plan is for you, I know from the very bottom of my heart, that God has it in His plan for Johnathan and I to have a baby.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited about the medicine and treatment, but I know nothing is going to happen until God is ready for it to happen. Medicine or not, it has to be on His time table. And I trust that God will provide.

I think about the women in the Bible who prayed for babies: Sarah (Sarai), Rebecca, Rachel, Hannah (etc..), and with prayer and a little patience, God provides. God will provide for me.

Every morning I receive a daily Bible verse from Biblegateway.com. This morning it was

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Phillipians 4:6-7

God knew exactly what I needed which was not to be worried about the ultrasound this afternoon or fertility treatment after.

I decided to share this for all of my friends, personal and such that also have this disease which is physically and mentally and spiritually exhausting.

My advice to keep the faith. And for those who have been praying for Johnathan and I keep them coming, we need them. Thank you for your support.

I will try and update soon

God bless you!