Discomfort is a doctors nice way of telling you it's going to hurt

Well, good news friends, I am home from the doctor!

The biopsy went well. It did hurt, alot, but not as bad as I had anticipated. Dr. Reshef is confident that the results will come back benign. At the most he expects to find pre-cancerous cells, but finds that very unlikely. I should know the results on Thursday or at the latest Friday. I was surprised to know it would be that soon. I thought it would take weeks.

If the results come back with findings of any pre-cancerous cells, he said we have several options, but he did not want talk about them until the results come back.

If the results come back with no abnormal findings, we will simply continue the fertility treatment. Meaning, he will restart my cycle, and start fertility medicine again. He is thinking of switching my medicine from Clomid to Femarra, but other than that the methods will pretty much be the same.

I have faith everything is going to be okay, and soon I will get to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. I know it will happen. I have faith in my God.

The lining of my uterus has actually thinned out since last month, which is a very positive thing considering I didn't cycle this month! If I had cycled, a biopsy may have not been necessary. It's proof my condition is improving.

I have to say thank you to Johnathan Paul Muller. I could not have done it today without him beside me holding my hand. He is the best husband ever. He is not only my God given partner in life, he is my best friend. He is a constant in my very stressful life. Second to God, he is the best thing in my life. I love him so much. Thank you babe, for driving me, holding my hand, and letting me rest all the way home. You are amazing.

For now, I have some "discomfort," but with a little rest, I am going to be fine. I am going to take a Tylenol pm and rest the evening away so I can be good and rested for work tomorrow.

Please continue to pray for me and I will update you with the results later this week!

Love you all and God bless!

Is No news really Good news?

*SPOILER: MAY CONTAIN TMI. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*

So after a month of waiting to see if it happened again, I finally have my answer. It is possible that I did ovulate again; however very unlikely since my cycle did not start and we know for sure (3 negative pregnancy tests) that I'm not pregnant. Beverly, Dr. Reshef's AMAZING nurse, confirmed it today.

The next plan of action is to come in and have an ultrasound and to go ahead and have a biopsy. They are very concerned about the thick lining around my uterus. They are worried it is pre-cancerous. They are concerned about my health, and unless I am healthy, the possibly of a healthy pregnancy is lower. If the ultrasound shows that my lining has thinned, due to the last cycle which was 10 days, then I won't have to have a biopsy. But, if it is thick, he will do it. I am supposed to take 3 Ibuprofen before the biopsy due to some "discomfort" as she put it. So, I'm guessing there's some mild pain. Mild pain + a two and half drive = pain.  Beverly suggested that I cut down on the stress. The only reply I can come up to with that is that is "easier said than done." I'm a natural stressor...and with so much going on...it's not possible to not stress....

After he gets the results back, we can come up with a plan of action to attack this infertility issue. Beverly was fairly certain we would go back to the same plan that worked in the past. I PRAY this is what he decides.

I'm not going to lie....I'm pretty worried...I'm worried it is going to hurt,  but I'm also worried that maybe it's something major. I feel like my eggs aren't getting younger and I'm getting that much closer to 30. I want three kids and spread apart, I'm starting to worry that's not going to happen.

I am going to ask for prayer. Pray that my uterus lining is thin and it is not pre-cancerous.  Pray they find a cure for PCOS.

I wish I had some words of wisdom this time and a Bible verse. The only the thing I can think of is that some of the greatest women in the Bible experienced the same hurt and questions that I did. Sarah. Rebekah. Rachael. Hannah. Elizabeth. These are just a few. God had a promise for each one of these women and I know he has a promise for me. I just have to be patient and wait on that promise. Wait on my rainbow.

Anyways, your prayers are welcomed. Thank you all for all of your support and prayers. We appreciate every one of you and love you all so much!.

*Warning* May contain TMI for some! BUT definitely some GOOD news!!

Before I get started, this will probably contain too much information for some. I apologize. There is no way around it when you are TTC.

So, I had to chart this month and I was pretty certain I ovulated by the temperature spikes. I also started weight watchers and have lost 13.6 pounds in 4 weeks. My pants are already starting to fall off. It feels great!

Okay, so we are on the way and get slammed by a storm. You have no idea how great that rain smelled and felt!

We get there and Beverly, Dr. Reshef's AWESOME nurse immediately says that she can tell I've lost weight. I show her my weight watcher's progress reports and she asks to weigh me. Of course, it confirms the reports. She hugs me and tells me the good news I absolutely ovulated!!! Which means the medicine works! I also started my cycle on my own! ON MY OWN! No prometrium! This is defintely a step in the right direction!!! I was so excited!!! She also explained that we missed the day to "practice" by one day. :( so I'm still not pregnant BUT I did ovulate.

Dr. Reshef comes in and I just need to add how AMAZING of a physician he is! He says he is pleased by my hard work and progress. I just need to add I am more than pleased. Anyways, we get on with the ultrasound (my least favorite part of the appointment) and my uterian wall is still thick. This presents a small problem. So, he tells me that this could be a sign of pre-cancer and if it hasn't shed any by next month, he is going to have to do a biopsy and if it shows to pre-cancerous of any kind, he will do a D&C. I am a little worried...I mean the word cancer is in there and it's a bit scary.

So for now, Dr. Reshef wants us to continue with the Clomid (since it worked) and to use an ovulation predictor kit. The Clear Blue & Easy brand is the one they recommend. I also have to continue to temperature chart. He would also like for us to come in for a post coital test. If you want information on that, message me because it's kind of graphic. Also, if you've had one done, please message me. I really didn't want to do one....it sounds gross....

Anways, I am really so very happy today because most of it was good news!

God is so good. He did it...all of it.. Have you heard the song Always by Kristian Stanfill. If not you should YouTube it. It's my new favorite! The chorus goes like this:

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

This is so the truth! I am living it! Things are on his time and in the mean time you can lean on him for strength. He keeps his promises! He always comes through!! He is an AMAZING God!!!!

Also, Johnathan is a pretty amazing husband. Most guys, my dad and brother included, can barely stand words like menstration and uterus and ovaries. But, Johnathan is there for it all. He doesn't blame me and supports every decision. He asks the doctor questions and really tries to understand.

Thank you all for your prayers and continue to pray for us!

As much as a mustard seed

Today has been a pretty terrible day. I'm not going to lie about it or sugar coat it.

I woke up feeling a little nauseated, but all in all pretty excited about the trip to OKC. I love Dr. Reshef and his nurse Beverly so very much and look forward to getting their input on what to do next. I felt a little nauseated, but felt like everything was going to go okay and I would just get my prescription and start temperature charting in a few days.

Boy was i wrong. Everything was pretty normal until we saw my uterus. My lining is 14.1 mm thick (which is pretty thick) and there are blood clots in them. My ovaries are normal. Then he hit me with the hard news: my body is not responding to the medicine. It felt like a kick in the face. He concluded that we would try this last month with the highest dosage of Clomid and hope my body responds. The problem is that when my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do. (I am trying not to TMI here.) And one of the things it causes is the weight gain. His goal is to not only get me pregnant but to get me healthy and he doesn't want to treat one and let the other one go. It can lead to an unhealthy pregnancy and even miscarriage.

So I asked the million dollar question, "if it doesn't work, what is next?" He replied, "extreme weight loss measures, for now, let's try weight watchers or only eating 1500 to 1800 calories and the gym." When I asked him about extreme weight loss measures he was referring to the lap band. My heart sank. The lapband is not an option for me for various reasons, but the main one is finances. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from crying. He must have noticed, because he assured me he was not judging me and he understands it is hard, but it is possible. Dr. Reshef is amazing. However, this did not make me feel better. I chocked out that I had lost weight. He smiled and said he could tell. I felt useless and fat and ugly and that is never going to happen. My heart was ripped from my chest.

I'm pretty proud of myself, I got dressed, paid the bill, and got all the way to the car before I lost it. Johnathan who is an amazing and patient, started to tell me it was going to be okay and we would work through this. All I could think about was Casey Anthony and how she killed her daughter or the little boy at church who's dad doesn't care and his momma is in jail or any of the other "bad" parent stories. They have little ones and my arms literally ache to hold my own. I cried myself to sleep on the way home from OKC. When we got home, I decided to go on into to work. I have a great support system at MRHC from the guys in my office, to the PBX operators to administrations, I feel loved. And it helped to get my mind off of things, but it still hurts. I half way hoped that I had read the temperature chart wrong and when we looked at that ultrasound, there would be a baby. I just haven't figured out how not to get my hopes up. Any advice on that topic would be greatly appreciated.

I just want to say, I don't write a blog for people to feel sorry for me. There are plenty of girls out there who feel the same and don't know what to do about their feelings or questions to ask. Also, this is a great way for me to get things off my chest.

Now, back on topic...

I got home and found my copy of "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. If you suffer from PCOS, Infertility, Edometrius, Miscarriage, Adoption Loss or the lost of a child, this book is HIGHLY recommended. It uses the study of Hannah found in 1 Samuel. Hannah is definitely one of my heroes. I picked up the book and found the chapter "How long does it hurt" and it gave the verse, "This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat." 1 Samuel 1:7.  Year after year, Hannah still had not conceived. Her husband even married another woman and she did conceive and she was mean to Hannah. It's been 2 years since Johnathan and I started TTC. And I am confident is not go and get another wife, and even more confident that he loves me even though we haven't got pregnant yet. But I feel like Hannah. I feel useless and unfulfilled and empty. Empty is the most accurate word I can use.. I feel empty. I pray every day for a baby, but I feel like it falls on deaf ears. And then, Jennifer points out these verses, "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider, God has made one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14 and "Even in laughter the heart may ache." Proverbs 14:13 and my favorite of the day,

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13.

How long will this hurt last? I don't know. When will it happen? I don't know. I do know this, God will turn my sorrow into gladness. He is my comfort and my rock and my shield. And I may be discouraged and hurting, but I am so glad to be a part of his amazing grace.

So, my plan is to start dieting and exercising hard core again and continue my walk with God. I pray everyday that my body will be healed from PCOS and that God will bless me. After all, it only takes the faith in the amount of a mustard seed to move mountains, right?

And I ask you to pray for me. I need your prayers. Pray that God blesses me with a baby and also pray that God gives me the strength when I get bad news like today.

I thank you all for your support and for your prayers! Love you all and God Bless You.

Moments with the Mullers: One Line

Moments with the Mullers: One Line: "One Line.... That's all it took this morning. One line. If you haven't already guessed it, I took a pregnancy test this morning. Negative. ..."

One Line

One Line....

That's all it took this morning. One line. If you haven't already guessed it, I took a pregnancy test this morning. Negative. Of course. I just don't understand how one little pink line can cause sooooo much hurt.

It's been a month since I posted. I thought I would wait to see if I could share good news. No such news.

I haven't lost hope, it just seems like all that temperature taking and graphing and medicine is wasted. Not only did I not get pregnant this month, I didn't even drop an egg.

Where does that leave me do you ask? Back to square 1.

That's right, I refilled my prescripted for Prometrium to get me back to day 1. Then I have to go back to the doctor for another ultrasound which is sooo exciting (not) and an increased dose of Clomid. My husband is sooo excited. Another round of mood swings and hot flashes. Hot flashes never affected me before, but this time, I could not get cool. I had fans and the a.c. down low, but nothing worked.

But I have faith. Faith in God. Faith in myself. Faith in my husband. Faith in my doctor and his wonderful nurse. True this is torturing me today, but I am not alone. God is always with me in every step of this journey, seriously He carries me through days like today.

And even though I am hurting now, I know the promises He has in store for me, and I know in the end, the when I hold my little baby girl or boy, all of this hurt will disappear.  Again, it's crazy the joy that can be found in two little pink lines. :)

For now I dwell on this verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you. declares the LORD, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

So, family, friends, fellow cysters, just please continue to pray for me, I need them everyday, but today more than others.

It's a new day....

Hello. My name is Lucy. I am 26 and very happily married to a wonderful man, Johnathan. We began our fairy tale life February 27, 2009 at Hillcrest Baptist Church in McAlester, OK. Not long after we were married, did we decide to try to start a family. We were so excited to begin the life God had planned for us. After about ten months of only one line on pregnancy tests, we decided to see a physician.

We first went to my gynecologist, and she did a lot of tests and concluded that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). The Medical definition for this is:

"Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other problems" provided by Public Health.gov

There is no cure for this disease, and it is a real disease.

Devasted we chose to continue with treatment. Our doctor prescribed us Avandia to help with the homorone imbalance and Clomiphene to help induce ovulation so that I could get pregnant. Also, every month, I had to take several lab tests that my insurance didn't cover.

Mentally and financially exhausted, we gave up on treatment. I was heartbroken and depressed. Plus, it seemed everyone, including Johnathan's sister and one of my best friends, were all getting pregnant. It was like they were all members of a club, and I was only invited to bring gifts and provide support. Don't get me wrong I love all of the babies that were born very much and was very excited for each one of my friends. I wouldn't change a thing about them. Nevertheless, I still hurt. I was angry and confused.

Before Christmas in 2010, Johnathan and I had decided to start trying again. We made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrynologist who specializes in fertility treatment on women with PCOS. I had never been more nervous in my life. I didn't know what to expect and read mixed reviews via the internet.

In March it was time for our appointment, and even though I experienced a small meltdown when I learned my insurance wouldn't cover a dime of anything, it was wonderful. The doctor was the most caring and easy to understand and answered all my questions. I learned so many things about PCOS. Including, that one of the reasons I have a hard time losing weight is because of PCOS.

He prescribed some meds and told me to come back in a month.

Today, was the month. He had to check to make sure I didn't have any large cysts so we can continue with Fertility treatments. I didn't have any large cysts. The lining on my uterus was a little thick, but other than that everything was normal. He prescribed me fertility pills and now I have to monitor my temperature in the mornings.

Johnathan and I are so excited on this journey. We are so ready for God to bless us with a baby. I know we will be both me great parents. When people ask what God's plan is for you, I know from the very bottom of my heart, that God has it in His plan for Johnathan and I to have a baby.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited about the medicine and treatment, but I know nothing is going to happen until God is ready for it to happen. Medicine or not, it has to be on His time table. And I trust that God will provide.

I think about the women in the Bible who prayed for babies: Sarah (Sarai), Rebecca, Rachel, Hannah (etc..), and with prayer and a little patience, God provides. God will provide for me.

Every morning I receive a daily Bible verse from Biblegateway.com. This morning it was

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Phillipians 4:6-7

God knew exactly what I needed which was not to be worried about the ultrasound this afternoon or fertility treatment after.

I decided to share this for all of my friends, personal and such that also have this disease which is physically and mentally and spiritually exhausting.

My advice to keep the faith. And for those who have been praying for Johnathan and I keep them coming, we need them. Thank you for your support.

I will try and update soon

God bless you!