As much as a mustard seed

Today has been a pretty terrible day. I'm not going to lie about it or sugar coat it.

I woke up feeling a little nauseated, but all in all pretty excited about the trip to OKC. I love Dr. Reshef and his nurse Beverly so very much and look forward to getting their input on what to do next. I felt a little nauseated, but felt like everything was going to go okay and I would just get my prescription and start temperature charting in a few days.

Boy was i wrong. Everything was pretty normal until we saw my uterus. My lining is 14.1 mm thick (which is pretty thick) and there are blood clots in them. My ovaries are normal. Then he hit me with the hard news: my body is not responding to the medicine. It felt like a kick in the face. He concluded that we would try this last month with the highest dosage of Clomid and hope my body responds. The problem is that when my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do. (I am trying not to TMI here.) And one of the things it causes is the weight gain. His goal is to not only get me pregnant but to get me healthy and he doesn't want to treat one and let the other one go. It can lead to an unhealthy pregnancy and even miscarriage.

So I asked the million dollar question, "if it doesn't work, what is next?" He replied, "extreme weight loss measures, for now, let's try weight watchers or only eating 1500 to 1800 calories and the gym." When I asked him about extreme weight loss measures he was referring to the lap band. My heart sank. The lapband is not an option for me for various reasons, but the main one is finances. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from crying. He must have noticed, because he assured me he was not judging me and he understands it is hard, but it is possible. Dr. Reshef is amazing. However, this did not make me feel better. I chocked out that I had lost weight. He smiled and said he could tell. I felt useless and fat and ugly and that is never going to happen. My heart was ripped from my chest.

I'm pretty proud of myself, I got dressed, paid the bill, and got all the way to the car before I lost it. Johnathan who is an amazing and patient, started to tell me it was going to be okay and we would work through this. All I could think about was Casey Anthony and how she killed her daughter or the little boy at church who's dad doesn't care and his momma is in jail or any of the other "bad" parent stories. They have little ones and my arms literally ache to hold my own. I cried myself to sleep on the way home from OKC. When we got home, I decided to go on into to work. I have a great support system at MRHC from the guys in my office, to the PBX operators to administrations, I feel loved. And it helped to get my mind off of things, but it still hurts. I half way hoped that I had read the temperature chart wrong and when we looked at that ultrasound, there would be a baby. I just haven't figured out how not to get my hopes up. Any advice on that topic would be greatly appreciated.

I just want to say, I don't write a blog for people to feel sorry for me. There are plenty of girls out there who feel the same and don't know what to do about their feelings or questions to ask. Also, this is a great way for me to get things off my chest.

Now, back on topic...

I got home and found my copy of "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. If you suffer from PCOS, Infertility, Edometrius, Miscarriage, Adoption Loss or the lost of a child, this book is HIGHLY recommended. It uses the study of Hannah found in 1 Samuel. Hannah is definitely one of my heroes. I picked up the book and found the chapter "How long does it hurt" and it gave the verse, "This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat." 1 Samuel 1:7.  Year after year, Hannah still had not conceived. Her husband even married another woman and she did conceive and she was mean to Hannah. It's been 2 years since Johnathan and I started TTC. And I am confident is not go and get another wife, and even more confident that he loves me even though we haven't got pregnant yet. But I feel like Hannah. I feel useless and unfulfilled and empty. Empty is the most accurate word I can use.. I feel empty. I pray every day for a baby, but I feel like it falls on deaf ears. And then, Jennifer points out these verses, "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider, God has made one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14 and "Even in laughter the heart may ache." Proverbs 14:13 and my favorite of the day,

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13.

How long will this hurt last? I don't know. When will it happen? I don't know. I do know this, God will turn my sorrow into gladness. He is my comfort and my rock and my shield. And I may be discouraged and hurting, but I am so glad to be a part of his amazing grace.

So, my plan is to start dieting and exercising hard core again and continue my walk with God. I pray everyday that my body will be healed from PCOS and that God will bless me. After all, it only takes the faith in the amount of a mustard seed to move mountains, right?

And I ask you to pray for me. I need your prayers. Pray that God blesses me with a baby and also pray that God gives me the strength when I get bad news like today.

I thank you all for your support and for your prayers! Love you all and God Bless You.